black lung

lungs are rotting, bath every day

book of the month.

"good morning. and how are you this fine day?"
"very well, thank you. how is your mother?"
"she's getting old- getting old- the aches and daggers of getting old. i'll tell her you asked for her."
the words are meaningless except in terms of feeling. does anyone act as the result of thought or does feeling stimulate action and sometimes thought implement it?

the street lights made the hard white frost on the lawns and sidewalks glint like millions of tiny diamonds. such a frost takes a footprint and there were none ahead, i have always from the time i was a child felt a curious excitement walking in new unmarked snow or frost. it is like being first in a new world, a deep satisfying sense of discovery of something clean and new, unused and undirtied. the usual nightfolk, the cats, dont like to walk on frost. i remember once, on a dare, i stepped barefoot on a frosty path and it felt like a burn to my feet. but now in galoshes and thick socks i put the first scars on the glittering newness.

sometimes i wish i knew the nature of night thoughts. they're close kin to dreams, sometimes i can direct them and other times they take their head and come rushing over me like strong, unmanaged horses.

are cats strange animals or do they so resemble us that we find them curious as we do monkeys?

trashy

and crosseyed

im quitting. i feel better today.
read the pearl. also dietrich bonhoeffer letters.

"when i walk in the yard i get a great deal of pleasure from a small anthill and from the bees in the lime-trees. i sometimes think of the story of peter bamm, who was on a lovely island where he met all kinds of people, good and bad. he dreamt in a nightmare that a bomb might come and destroy everything and the first thing that occurred to him was what a pity it would be for the butterflies. prison life brings home to one how nature carries on uninterruptedly it's quiet, open life and it gives one quite a special- perhaps sentimental attitude towards animal and plant life, except that my attitude towards the flies in my cell remains very unsentimental"

i wish i could have known him in real life.

feet like ice
been living on the couch, bored, cold, and lonely
library wanderer what are you looking for

this is exactly my heart

Though this house feels like an old lost song
That calls for me to play along
Somehow I don't belong


The night lit by moon
The day sun
Ooh baby I'm wondering
how come?
The light is nearly gone

,like the river

I have all these memories, I don't know what for
I have them and I can't help it
Some overflow and spill like waves
some I will harbour
For all of my days


I burned liked oil, you grew like a flower
Rising toward your magical hour
I was not yours and you were not mine
Our true love finds us when it is time


We drove back downtown
Wasted and spent
Down highways that I remember
Happy for her and happy for me
The old times and the new to uncover

Only someone running would run right into me
Unless that someone was someone free like me

There are things I will not do
I will even be mean and cruel
And I will not stay with you
unless you give me all of yourself

When I was a sandy blue
and friendship dwelled in western true
Smokin pill and lovely too
That was before you gave a view

We'll make a future dream be ours
Through your eyes I swallow flowers
and disdain the winter showers
choosing then to bathe in you

And I sing evil, I sing good
I sing as a seagull should
And if you melted then I would
melt myself all into you
Can you love the one that God does?
Can you love the lily of the field?
Can you tend the soil inside of her
till all has been revealed?

eggplant

i have an eggplant in my stomach, at the very bottom. i can't eat, it has been that second right before you throw up, for two days now. i have felt the lord more in the last week than i have in a year. i hope that the eggplant is an eggplant and not a real something.

color

in this little pine moth today.
blogs are outdated, is it weird that i still have one

You've had lots of trouble lately, haven't you? You look kinda sad.
Even when you smile and laugh, it stays in your eyes. It never goes away.
I've noticed it a lot since you've been around me lately.
You're a good girl. I've read lots of books and studied about people, I know.
She said she liked to work.
He told her that she had a pretty face.
You got pretty eyes, even if they are sad. They're blue. Sad and blue.
She said she wasn't feeling so bad now since she had a job.
I could hear him breathe and could hear the rattling in his lungs, His face
was pale and when he rubbed his hand over his chin, the red blood would
show through his skin. He said, I feel better when i got you around.

karen: what are you wearing?
me: one wool sock that has "mj RIP" knitted with pink yarn on it the other striped christmas themed sock. besides that nothing.
karen: wow
karen: that's hard to believe
karen: but not hard to imagine
karen: luckily

decided to shower today. i got comments like "you look like a business woman"
also, due to my "plan"
was an hour late to work, and was drunk for the first two hours.
the hangover was mild, fortunately.

i met a man named jeff today who works in the valet at the garage at the hospital, whenever i leave i always go through the wrong way (the valet side) unintentionally (this is because i am a bad driver) and he stopped me today and said i am the only one who smiles at him. i told him i felt the same way at the coffee shop, no one sees you like you're a machine. he said all i had to do to avoid valet was to drive straight (wow. how did i miss this.) im not going to, ever. im going to smile at him every day. hopefully i do not hit him. this would completely destroy our newly budding friendship.

the plan

window open, on the roof, foggy day, the damned/elliot smith/van etten, cigarettes, glass of wine. the bible. a tee shirt. learning things, all the time.

alphabet town

12 hour shifts, daily, been forgetting to look in the mirror. whoops

,makes work easy

florida

------------------,


the plane made me clausterphobic everyone was breathing the same musty air and children were screaming and everyone was overweight and sweating , i just read my book and hoped the ballerina that was talking on her phone about the yogurt she was eating outside the terminal would not sit next to me, because she talked loud, and not about important things. but what are important things really, i guess. important things are the stars and the grass and the way the cat i met on the beach today delicately pranced on the sand, she looked like she was gliding. important things are the little girls at the flea markets selling their mothers jewelry, and the smell in the kitchen right after courtney bakes. pages turned hundreds of times without being torn, and the big bright eyes of the young boy who stared at me from the back of his ragged fathers old clunker, with a dirty face and a superman action figure

new

tattoos, new pets, new friends new life. sometimes i think about how my life was a year ago and it is really strange to me. i am not on vacation, i live here now
come visit me.


sticky hot summer heat, tired eyes
no sheets
dirt nails paint hair cuts bruises
dead smells
sharp noises, tight clothes
pointy shoes.
stained towels gnat clouds
bug bites stubby toes
wrinkly knuckles
itchy head bad breath
cock roach on the wall

ahahahahaha

You stood, a graceful Yeti - m4w - 35 (Nashville, TN)

Reply to:pers-sfrce-1180845791@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-20, 4:14PM CDT


I bumped into you on the way into the store, initially feeling I'd upset a carefully constructed store display, leaves falling from what I discovered was your wiry coat. You weren't a carefully constructed and beautiful representation of the outdoors in the front window of the store, designed to reflect the connection the springs new flattering pallette of grass green, hot pink, cobalt, yellow and orange have with our forests and hills, but a real and sturdy female yeti. The birds nesting in furrows of your brow chirped songs of your gentle nature, your enormous hirsut fingers coyly twisting the tufts of your elbows into charming heart shaped gestures, meant to entice and disarm. I had walked into the store looking for some new boxers but left with a breezy new light in my soul.

Location: Nashville, TN
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1180845791

pout

i think its about time i start doing something

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would

Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan that's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound
Its saddest sound

I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes I would, if I could, I surely would
I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes I would, if I only could, I surely would

welp

i got my boyfren back,

also i'm getting my car tomorrow

my

heart is full of love

hey

to everyone who reads, all four of you,
i love you

like, a lot


like this much

B-------------------------------------------------D

yata-hey

also

it has to be me, same tattoo

get it

yeah yeah i'm getting back into riding more and i'm gonna lose some weight and you know. chubby vegetarian yeah yeah. no more bread yeah starve. im getting anxious yeah yeah i am. getting more tattoos yeah yeah yeah. more than i can afford yeah. i miss these shows yeah yeah i bend over weird yeah
i miss old friends yeahhh and that guaranteed job i had at the native american store yeah yeah i want that job

work

#SPLIT8 - David Bazan - The Man In Me
by lablogotheque

pooka shell

"quit playin games with my heart"

my cat is really really cute and woke me up this morning

portland

really

And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness,
wherefore put away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbor:
for we are members one of another

Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath
neither give place to the devil

Let him that stole steal no mor: but rather let him labor, working with his hands
the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needs

let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth,
but that which is good to the use of edifying,
that is may minister grace unto the hearers!

dang

thank jesus for friends

aha

rough rough time
my cat knew when i got home how upset i was, and i was quiet and sortof ignoring her trying to cuddle me. but when i realized she knew, i cried, and thanked the lord for her being so sweet to me and loving on me.
then i grit my teeth, made a box, put the most important things in it, and let it go.
i am never, letting this happen to me again, that's all i know



i have a document on my computer that i intermittently write in, so i sat and read for awhile.


driving to the biggest mall in the u.s. 2006 about a year ago. back seat, headphones. our lady of bells, here they all pretend. don’t know why it just fit so great. and i remember it

there is a chinese food restaurant next door and i’m broke and i ate the last of my food today and i think this is worse than numetal torture


6:02 and 58 minutes to go and there is a man with grey hair and an ipod with a purple backpack and he looked at me and there are flies in here and i really really don’t like flies.

cleaning up from a party. stale beer smell everywhere. gum stuck in the carpet. improvised pipes out of beer cans, vomit around the porcelain toilet. trash can half full of beer. constantly finding smashed beer cans shoved into different places. bedroom light shattered into pieces, bits of glass in the carpet, cigarette butts lining the porch. beer on the tv. carpet. walls. ceiling. rug is still wet with spilled whiskey. dirty linoleum. 4 bags of cans. wondering if it was worth it.

fixed record player, get up kids album. it skips but it doesn’t matter. so perfect right now. i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing with my life. who does right.

sitting on the couch outside, playing ukulele, cigarette in my fingers, strumming with my thumb and humming along, watching a young man with a yellow bag and skinny jeans cross the street in a hurried walk while checking his watch. mid verse i see a streak of grey out of the corner of my eye and hear a thump near my head. i realize that a little bird has mistaken the house behind me for a patch of blue sky, and slid down the wall into a corner near my front door. she was either a pigeon or a dove, but a pretty bird, and she sat there for a good five or six minutes, probably a little embarrassed, and when i went inside to get a glass of water, i guess she managed to compose herself and fly away. anyway i hope she’s alright.


“why do we hide from the sun when we know we don’t have to”

to shit

the last few days have been really terrible.
i'm trying not to sulk.

i got a stupid promotion with some stupid mumbo jumbo speech from my two bosses at my work which is a joke. basically it means i get paid a hundred dollars more a month to do everything marcia is too lazy to do, and get micro managed while doing it. fuck yeah. go team.

georgia got hit by a car and i found her outside a few days ago, i was really close to her and it was terrible finding her like that. she was frozen solid and there was snow on her face, she had gone missing a few days before but she leaves sometimes so i figured she would come back in a day or so. obviously she didnt. and the next day i had to pretend i was alright with a smile and sell people things with a good attitude.

i've also realized that i have once again, ive left myself with few friends since i ignored them for a good four months. i'm such an idiot. its such a stupid cycle.
i want to move but i know its the same way every where.

also because of my several weeks of self analysis ive come to realize how much of a push over ive become and may have always been, i dont stand up for myself, and stress myself out all the time because i try to hang on to the relationships i do have. but most of the time i just give up and turn my phone off, because i just feel like i might as well not try, and sometimes i just feel too busy. but my life is full of kissing other peoples asses, and then talking about how much i hate doing it, and trying to subconsciously convince myself that i'm getting somewhere. the only thing i've really accomplished in reality is how to alienate myself from being happy

on the bright side, it was sunny today.

my body is tense and my hands are tired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8YCSJpF4g4

got a gut feelin